I've been feeling rather emotionally unstable these past few days. It could be quite a number of things throwing me off and it could be a combination of things too. I've been thinking a lot about last semester and I can't help but wonder if I've made the best choices - I'm not saying I would change what I did, but my choices were unlike me and caused me to distance myself from people who trust me and from whom I trust. I had a chance to make things anew but I guess the fear of losing something caused me to go back. Through this process, I made everyone else matter less... my friends, they couldn't understand me.... my family, I wouldn't let them understand me.... so what was the point? There were a couple of guys who did draw my interest but I was so engulfed in trying to fix the impossible that I let their good hearts and doings go to waste. I'm sorry for that, I really am.... but you have to understand that I was in a very emotionally cut-off period of my life. I lost sight of a lot of things because I didn't want to see what I knew was there. I know that I lost some really good opportunities with some really great guys but I can't really change that now. If I regret this "loss" then I'm also changing a very crucial part of me and something that I hold pride to. What makes me feel the most foolish is that I let it go on for so long and that there was even a point where I thought I wouldn't get over it... that I would always be holding onto that glimmer of hope in the distance, hoping that little speck could turn into something more. It's actually even surprising to me how fast I moved past it all. Even those few who knew about my situation were surprised that I was capable of moving on so quickly. What's truly surprising is that I really did move on. I hold no hope and no regret. I'm thankful that you were in my life and that you helped me grow and you'll always mean a lot to me but it's time to go.
I feel like everything is based on circumstance. This didn't work out because of "this", that didn't work out because of "that". However, it feels like most of the time, these circumstances don't really matter but people blow it out of proportion. Something that shouldn't be a huge issue, is. There are so many things that can draw two people together as well as push them apart but people always seem to focus on the negative instead of the positive. I notice what works instead of what doesn't work... why? In this day and age, it's hard to find someone. Sure, there are a lot of people around me... and there are a lot of guys who are interested in me. But anyone who knows me knows that I am one picky person. I have so many weird desires in the opposite sex (his hands have to be bigger than mine, his legs have to have hair...) and I'm not exactly the most "normal" of people out there in the world.... so I need someone who can handle and embrace my quirks. Of the guys I did allow into my life, for the most part, they have enjoyed me for who I am (Post-High School). But, I believe that that is because I only allow those who I know can handle me near. I used to have this fear when I was younger that guys would just be attracted to me physically and when they got to know me, they would realize I'm not the person I "look". I'm not exactly sure what that means but I've had guys tell me that I'm not what they expected... and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I've also had guys who I just met (even a guy I talked to on the airplane for a little bit) tell me that I'm very unique. I'm not sure how I'm unique... I'm just being myself. I don't see how I differ from other girls. Maybe it's because I refuse to follow the flow, but when it comes to my personality... I'm not trying to be anything. I just want to be myself.
1 comment:
I probably mentioned this to you before, but there was a time where I had a crush on you. The better part of me made me not act on that crush, since we're good friends.
Anyway, I know where you're coming from. I've been there too. For the longest time I held on to hope, thinking that things could change (actually in my case, not change, but go back to the way things were before change took place). It took me the better part of 1.5 years to realize that some things can never be, and that it was pointless to hold on to hope for things that would and could never be. I'm not saying to lose hope in everything, but just realize sometimes it's better to let go and move on, and in so doing, not waste more energy, because 'dwelling' does take a good amount of energy, especially if you really desire for something.
You're going in the right direction by moving on. Don't regret because the past will always be the same. In fact, take comfort in that and let it be a catalyst for the future, so that you don't repeat the past.
I'm also picky. I think mature people are always going to be picky.
Also, you are definitely unique. And, if you ever need an ear or someone to talk to, I'm just a phone call away, no matter what time. If I'm not there, I'll do my best to call you back as soon as I'm able.
Cheer up, Kali. You're an amazing person. In fact, if I didn't care about you so much, I'd be trying to win your affection.
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