just another girl

I feel as though a big part of me is scared of being "just another girl". I don't know why I feel this way but I think I always have (Suddenly everything makes sense). I've never been like other girls. I've always gotten along better with boys than I have with girls... and I don't know why. I've never been scared of mice or roaches. Although I like pinks and purple, I could hardly say they were ever my favorites. I played with ninja turtles as well as barbies. I loved playing basketball and football with the neighborhood kids. I enjoyed my alone time, sitting outside watching the clouds or even climbing the trees in my front and back yards. I have this thought that if you are like everyone else then you are not memorable. No one will remember you and the impact you leave on others will be so minuscule that it is as if you never existed. The truth is that after you leave this world, the only place you do exist is in people's memories. It doesn't matter what you believe... reincarnation, heaven, whatever... you will never be the same person you are in that life. After those people are gone, you are again forgotten into nothingness.

I'd like to believe that I'm not like every girl you meet. I mean this as friends or as a lover. I had someone tell me before that I seem like someone who takes pride in not being like someone else and I definitely do. What fun is it to try to fit in and be like everyone else? Sure, I don't like to be the center of attention, but I don't mind standing out. Appearing one way and acting another is also another thing I love about myself even if I can't understand it. I like that I can catch people off-guard with my personality and interests. That was one reason why I enjoyed being an engineer for a while... people didn't expect that from me. Even the fact that I go to Tech is something that definitely catches people off-guard... I hear GSU, Emory, UGA... but never the actual college I go to. Why? I am an attractive female and there aren't many of us at Tech. I can understand that. I take effort in my friendships, not trying to seem like I'm USING anyone when I'm asking for help. I take time to make sure I'm not hurting people's feelings because I know how damaging other people can be.

In love, I find that a lot of girls like playing games... or in other words, not being straight forward. If I have a problem, I talk to the source. I don't need people putting thoughts into my head, I already have enough of them on my own. I'm very caring and affectionate and I treat my boyfriend with respect. I like telling a guy how I feel about something before it gets out of hand... and some guys don't understand that. When I confront you about something, I'm not saying that it is a problem at that moment... but if it continues on in the same manner then I probably won't be so happy about it (This comes from the side of me that likes organization and planning ahead). I'm careful as to not say anything too harsh or be too emotional. Sure, I know it's hard sometimes but I honestly do try to split the emotional and logical sides of my brain. I can completely understand the logic behind something and yet still have it hurt my feelings. I wish I could make guys understand that appealing to ONLY logic doesn't work for girls... you have to take both logic and emotion into consideration.

My greatest fear and desire stem from the same place. Not being able to find someone to be with and having children. - This might be a reason why relationship with other people are always a topic in my mind. In some ways, having kids is also a fear of mine but the thought of loving someone so much and unconditionally is something I look forward to so much. Even seeing other people's children brings out this pure joy from inside of me that I cannot find in other places. Sometimes I feel that I need to hide this side of me... the side that loves and wants children because women are supposed to wait to get married and have kids... or even that it scares guys away. My mom has told me all my life to wait to have kids... but it's just not something you can always plan. Even though I have absolutely no experience with kids since my friends are not at that point in their lives and my sisters aren't either. I know that once I do have kids, I'll have no question as to what love is. Seeing how my sisters were growing up and how they are currently definitely scares the crap out of me when it comes to my kids in the future but I'd like to think that I will instill a clear mind in them and confidence that allows them to be themselves and not fall into peer pressure. I know that I can't expect my children to be like me, no drugs no smoking no random sexing people up, etc., but I hope that I can bring a bit of myself into them.