Pretending Truth

I like to pretend that things are the way I truly want them to be. Don't get me wrong... I'm content with the way things are, but there is always room for improvement. When I see shows about love, I always hear of the moment that person knew the other person was "the one" and it really makes me wonder... when will someone feel that way about me? Honestly, I've thought this before... and sometimes I was proved wrong... and other times... I still believe it. I don't believe in soul mates... but sometimes I want to.. that way, I don't have to worry about anything and life will eventually figure itself out... oh how I wish I truly were able to live this way. It's quite obvious I'm not someone who is able to just sit back and let things happen. I believe in fighting for what you want... and it really bothers me when people just want to sit back and see what happens. Yeah, if everyone sat back then nothing would ever get done. I wish some people would stop being pansies and really push for what they want. If you fail then you can at least say you tried. You pat yourself on the back and hopefully move on.

What I'm scared of is that I may never be able to move past this... I mean, everyone has the one that got away right? Does this mean that one day I will hold a place in someone's heart the way he is in mine? Will I really be able to move on? Sighh I ask these questions now, but I know I will... I always do.... right?... I've been watching these movies and shows that involve past loves (Yi Yi, Dexter) and I really relate to it... that feeling of not knowing, of regret, of wanting things to be the way they were. I'm scared that 30 years from now, I'll still feel the same way. What if I do? Will I be able to love someone enough to left them into my life?

I never worried about how my heart will heal until now. I was always able to find something wrong... something I found annoying... but I was hopeful this time. Deliriously hopeful. He doesn't know that. He thought that all I did was doubt his heart... in reality, I hoped for nothing more than for his heart to long for me. He doesn't know that I am still deliriously hopeful.

I know that I'm a fool... but I can lie to myself for now. But it's weird because sometimes it isn't a lie. Sometimes what I say I want is what I truly want... or has it become that I believe that that is what I should want? It's gotten quite confusing... if you believe a lie long enough does it become the truth? At what point does truth and fiction blur? Can something be a part of the truth and a part of a lie? What do you do when you can't tell which is which? Do you run, get out, and save yourself or do you shift through the mud trying to discover what you felt once before... hoping that that is the true you?