I really do feel like I've lost a huge part of myself lately. I don't know what it is but it's like I'm lost in everything and can't find the direction I once had. I used to strive to be something, to be someone. Does it have to do with the part of me I've been repressing? Because I haven't be able to let go and freely be myself, has this caused my loss of myself? Now that I've realized this... will everything be okay?
I started thinking today about "first loves".... people always say that your first love will always be a part of you... but I'm having trouble defining my "first love". I had someone that I thought I loved, but then I learned that I am capable of feeling so much more. Is the first guy or is the second guy my first true love? It's hard to believe that the first experience was even love now that the second one has come around. Is the first guy my "first love" and the second my "greatest" love thus far? If I love someone of equal caliber as the second guy does it downplay the second guy's place in my heart and memories or will he always be labeled that way?
If it were up to me, and I do believe it is.... I would label the second guy my first love. The first guy wasn't love love, I cared about him deeply but what I felt was never love. I was never really myself... and if I wasn't really myself... how could I consider it love?
2 comments:
Great posting. I'll comment on it when I get a chance after I finish my research. Really quickly though, your first love is the one you'll always remember because of how awesome it felt and how everything felt so right (your second love in this case). That's how I define it anyway.
A good friend of mine once told me not to repress those feelings but to embrace them instead. He meant that they should be used as a learning experience. The sooner those feelings are accepted, the quicker one can move on. No one has to tell you that it will be a hard road full of twists, turns, and hills. Some days will be better than others.
Regarding feeling like you've lost yourself...I felt that way too. I lost a part of me when her and I broke up. I used to strive to be someone as well, until I realized why, but at that point it was too late. Really, in the end, you may do it for yourself, but if you don't have anyone special to share it with (read: significant other), it becomes a lot less meaningful. In the end, I just do what I do because I have to. Life's hard and all of us have to carve out a place in it. I can only hope the both of us find our better halves.
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